Sorry this isn’t Carrie and Mr Big’s happy ending.
Recently I have had a rude awakening when it comes to matters of the heart. Okay,one or two matters in particular. The first being the break down of a relationship .I was both the passive observer and participant in the breakdown of last relationship. The second matter was toxic masculinity.I am not sure which one was more jarring but in my view toxic masculinity is always a dominant factor in unhealthy relationships.
Generalising is often very dangerous , not all relationships breakdown as a result of patriachy . In this particular case patriachy and masculinities played an integral role. Whether it was me shrinking myself or allowing the disrespect to continue which lead to much larger and often unresolvable issues. The relationship was doomed from the start , even if I had to ignore the giant red flags.
The Journal School of Psychology states that toxic masculinity is defined as “the constellation of socially regressive [masculine] traits that serve to foster domination, the devaluation of women, homophobia, and wanton violence.” Manliness is often based on version of masculinity that is based on ‘strength’, ‘displaying lack of emotion’, ‘self-sufficiency’, ‘dominance’, and ‘sexual virility’. So how pray tell does my experience echo all the above traits?
In my relationship while I was not the partner that made most of the money , in fact I don’t make money at all, but I had a degree of freedom. I was never financially dependent on him, I could afford the things that I needed , the essentials and the comforts of modern day life. I am financialy tied to my family ,and not the individual that was in my life. Although to certain degree I was financially dependent , in the sense that we took on an extremely traditional role of dating.The man pays the bills, opens car doors , pays for vacations and Ubers etc.This became the norm in our relationship. When it came to social values and political values, I was mostly the one who believed in liberal values. Not that he didn’t equally believe in them but I always fought for my values, he would have traded them in to accumulate more wealth.
In time the cracks of start to appear. I would be less vocal about politics and societal issues , the very things that we once bonded over . I became more accepting of hyper masculine behaviours such as the ownership of a gun, the philandering and my turning blind or accepting defeat because I knew it would not “end well for me” . His painfully grabbing my face , I put down to “at least he didn’t hit me”. Abuse is violence , no matter the degree. I took moments of emotional violence and internalised them as my own wrong doing. The dominance,control and manipulation I would often explain away with ‘he wants whats best for me’. These particular traits would show up when we broke up and started seeing other people.He would always find flaws in the new guy and in the end I would end up ending things , running back to him.
In my head he was a successful , older man who had a very cosmopolitan lifestyle and came from the top an affluent family. He was extremely educated, well travelled and spoke several langauges. Hindsight is 20/20! Perhaps, dating an older man at 22 is not the best idea-especially one 12 years my senior. With time I matured in the relationship- I am now 28. I learnt to be more polished and slightly put together ,to play the role of the clown and not the intelligent young woman I displayed earlier in the relationship. To be used as a trophy at dinners and events with family and friends . After all I had carved this path for myself and I needed to make it work. A part of me used to adore him but as the years rolled on and we started resembling Mr Big and Carrie, I yearned for stability ,love and a semblence of equality. The power dynamic was extremely scewed not because of the age difference .It was the toxic masculinity he displayed.
In the end though he did something so unforgivable that I would not wish it on my worst enemy.He tried to break me emotionally ,cutting deep down to core of my soul. It was time to walk away . I had known for years that I had to get away from this toxic individual .I knew what he was capable of ,yet I still wanted it to work.I wished that the bad side of him would vanish and I would be left with good. All I am left with is good memories and that is enough. I prefer being independent and forging my own path on my terms. The best part is self discovery. You can always start over !
